How To Deal With Conflict

Sunday September 7, 2008 Ezekiel 33:7-11 Matthew 18:15-20

Today I want to deal with a topic that makes most of us, including me, uncomfortable. I want to talk about conflict and how Jesus said we should resolve it. Now I am not someone who runs towards conflict. Like many of us, I would rather ignore things when relationships get strained.

But in our first reading this morning God told Ezekiel that he was being set up as sentinel, a watchman over the house of Israel. Sentry duty means that God was using Ezekiel as a guard. Ezekiel was a captive in Babylon, and it was there that the Lord called him to be a prophet.

Whenever God spoke, Ezekiel was to listen, then blow the horn of warning for all he was worth. Think of him as the God's tsunami warning signal. His name means "God will strengthen."

God told Ezekiel if the guard doesn't warn the people about what's coming; their blood is on the watchman's head. If the watchman does his job, but the people don't listen, their blood is on their own heads. There really was something coming that Ezekiel had to warn them about.

We know something about warning systems in Hawai`i. On Tuesday morning we had the usual test of our sirens. One problem was that there was a major hurricane in the news and many visitors didn't know about the test. So there was a bit of panic in places where there was a concentration of newcomers. Apparently there was concern that somehow Gustav was coming ashore here.

But that got me thinking. The Lord put me here this morning with 2 scriptures: one about being a faithful mouthpiece of His message and the other about conflict. So I will take a deep breath, and join with you as we explore the Lord's method to deal with what happens when we disagree.
One bit of counsel. Each week there are people who think that I am teaching on something because I somehow read your mail or your minds. Some of you might believe that because you have had storms this week that I am somehow writing about you. Sorry - not true. Every single one of us has had some type of personal conflict this week. Scotty and I had a typhoon that would have been down right comical if it wasn't for the intensity of it. If this message touches a part of you, take it this way: God loves you. His Word can often surgically cut us to the bone. But that isn't for our harm. He goes into us deeply so that He can bring us healing.

Our gospel lesson gives us some insight into how we, as the church, can be early warning systems for one another in life-saving ways. It is important first of all to know that Jesus was speaking about how to resolve conflict within the church. This isn't necessarily the way to deal with conflict at work or with the bank.

Right before Jesus was dragged away to be crucified, He prayed with His disciples. Listen to these words from John 17:21 "My prayer for all of them is that they will be one, just as you and I are one, Father - that just as you are in me and I am in you, so they will be in us, and the world will believe you sent me."

The Body of Christ is the primary witness to the world of God's love and the depths of the sacrifice of Jesus. When we get along, we show His love. If we are broken and fractured, people somehow think that God is indifferent or weak.

When there is conflict within the church, our primary responsibility when we encounter a problem is to use the opportunity to point out the storm before it does big damage.

"Jesus said, "If another member of the church sins against you…." Jesus literally said, "If your brother sins against you." "Your brother" meant more than the person who shares a parent with you. In this context, your fellow Israelite, or one of Abraham's children. So many translators, including the New RSV spell out the missing context.

This lesson is about when we have been wounded by someone in the Family of God.

Now before we go any further, we need to always, always, always take it to the Lord in prayer for healing and direction first. We need to put on our armor and guard our hearts. After all, we have already been hurt and it is so easy to strike back in anger. So first, take it to the Lord in prayer. Our youth used to say, always "first stop, drop, and pray."

"Go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone." When we have been injured by another's selfishness, many of us often react by shunning them or talking about them behind their backs. Or worse, we wait until we have the safety of hiding behind someone else who is with us and we blast away. Ignoring our wounds doesn't bring healing and shooting our way our of problems only works for Rambo. The rest of us need a better strategy.

Jesus tells us to privately go to our brother or sister and then to quietly confront the problem. We need to walk them through the situation so that they understand. This isn't a prosecuting attorney presenting evidence and pronouncing guilt. In fact, they may not even be aware that we're hurt or how deep our pain is.

Realize that sometimes the reason we see things in others is that these same things are going on in us. So we need to make sure we've dealt with our own lives first. (Remember Jesus said to clear the log from our own eyes before we deal with the speck in someone else's eye.) Here is the # 1 reason to talk with the Lord about the person before we talk to the person about the Lord. If we have a problem with anger, we shouldn't be trying to tell another person about their anger problem until we have allowed the Lord to deal with our own problem first.

Then Jesus says something profound. I love this passage in the Good News Bible, "If he listens to you, you have won your brother back." The goal of this one-on-one is to restore the relationship with someone who has sinned against you. It is not for punishment. It's not to prove who is right. Restored relationships bring glory to God!

Before we continue, that is only one side of the story. What do we do if we find ourselves in a one-on-one with a brother or sister who tells us that we have wounded them? Wait a second. All of us know what it feels like to be the one who is hurt. That means we are the innocent and righteous one. But what if there is that one in a million chance that it is ME that has caused the problem? And since all of us here are mature and holy while those around us still have a way to grow in Jesus, what if a brother or sister wrongly thinks that the problem is with us?

Jesus gives us that answer. Who sees it? The Son of God says that we are to listen. Let me add that we are to listen with an open heart. Sometimes the problem IS with us. And we can get locked into a bit of competition where it is more about winning that resolution. And when we don't listen, when we don't work things out, or when we don't repent, we do not win. It is the devil that wins that round.

And let's be clear. This can be a hard and even hurtful process that is not resolved. So Jesus showed us what to do next.

If you are rejected when you go alone, it's time to bring in a few others so that later the person who's being approached can't do a "my word against yours" kind of thing. Jesus uses Deuteronomy 19:15 as His Scriptural basis when he says, "But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses." If you aren't willing to make your assertions when other objective people are listening, then maybe you need to rethink your accusation.

It's one thing to accuse someone privately, I've had it done to me, but when others came around the accusations were changed. Godly counsel in this case is good. Someone else can be praying with us and for us. And they can help us see whether the log in our eyes has been removed. They can help us to move beyond the language of the wounded. Have you noticed that when you are hurt, your vocabulary can change? Scotty says that when he gets hurt he immediately goes to "badwords.com". Bad words can make a big hurt become a deadly hurt. So bringing in a brother or sister can help us from making the situation deadly. They also can provide guidance as to whether or not we are moving in the right way. Our intentions towards fixing the problem may be good but our actions and attitudes may need to be adjusted a bit to allow God room to heal.

So we grab folks who are trustworthy and bring them in. Again, the goal is healing so that we can bring glory to God by our right relationships. If the one who has sinned against us listens and repents - hooray! We have won them back.

Sadly, sometimes, not even this works. I wish it did. But sin has left us broken. There are times, way too many times, where someone has wronged us and could care less. And in this case Jesus suggests a more formalized rebuke. He says to bring it to the church. If the person "blows off" the church, then Jesus says to treat them as a pagan or tax collector.

Unfortunately churches down through the ages have used this as the justification for excommunication. Untold numbers of people have been shunned or killed because of this, and it's plain wrong. Here's why. The verse says to treat them as you would a Gentile or tax collector. This "you" here is singular. In other words if even a formal rebuke from the church leadership isn't enough to persuade the brother or sister about their sin, it's not the church that disassociates themselves, but you as an individual.

If the entire Body of Christ turns their back, who will ever show them God's kindness that leads to repentance? If the entire church says. "get lost," who will tell them that Jesus wants them found? Listen to the words of Ezekiel 33:1, "Say to them, As I live, says the Lord God, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but that the wicked turn from their ways and live; turn back, turn back from your evil ways; for why will you die, O house of Israel?"

If someone wrongs you, don't hang with them anymore. Don't go there. Don't place yourself in a relationship where you are wounded. This is like a heavenly Temporary Restraining Order. If you're going to get busted up by someone, stay the heck away.

Now there is a place for the church itself to disassociate from someone who is deeply entrenched in sin. 1 Corinthians 5 addresses that, but that lesson is for another time.

In our family there have been wounds that were allowed to fester despite all of our prayers and all of our attempts at reconciliation. All efforts at communication have been met with silence. The few times we have been together have been strained. Some of these family members are believers. For whatever reason, we are separated. And honestly, I feel a bit of shame that things have not been healed.

I know many of you share in having this same type of dysfunction in your own families. That's where this message from Jesus helps. After prayer and many attempts at resolution, the log is gone from my eyes. All I can do is pray for them. And so can you. If you have a wound in your family, take it to Jesus. Let Him remove any log that interferes with your vision. You know the Biblical path to restoring those relationships. If they listen, you have won them back. If not, find joy and relationship in God and in His Family. And never stop praying. Never, ever stop bringing them to the Lord for healing and restoration.

In these days of environmental consciousness I have heard a catch phrase: Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. In terms of conflict in our relationships we need to do the first and NOT the last two.
Reduce conflict by forgiveness, mercy, and prayer.
DON'T reuse the problem as a weapon to get back at someone - and DON'T recycle it -by bringing it up over and over again.

When we let conflict go unresolved, storm fronts move through and leave devastation in their wake. Our unforgiveness stunts our growth, causes deeper hurts, and weakens the church. Broken relationships, and broken churches can scatter the landscape.

But when we learn to bring Jesus and His healing ways to our relationships, especially within the Body of Christ, He will bring refreshment and light to our lives. More importantly, when 2 or three of us are gathered in His Name, the Son of God, the Good Shepherd, will be among us. As the 23 Psalm says, His presence will restore our souls. AMEN

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